My dads side of the family was here when i got home from work tonight, i came in feeling far too upbeat for the atmosphere cause i just found out that i could actually have a car by next week. I insulted my cousin Joey within the first 10 minutes, whom i never see, by making a joke that we were both recently in an accident... to only find out a few moments later that his was extremely serious and he is still recuperating from it (motorcycle/motorbike accident).

My cousin Seth couldn't make it because it was his 2nd or 3rd day at a job, and he couldn't lose this one... so i said "thats understandable, is he coming tomorrow?" and my whole family yelled at me and told me it wasn't understandable and that he SHOULD lose his job for this kind of situation and come over. I was only trying to understand from his point of view, his life is beginning and he needs a job to support it... her life is ending, and he can come by tomorrow. Maybe i'm confused, you would think family could be understanding and forgiving.. but they never can.

My mum told me i am inhumane for not feeling emotional about her passing, and for not crying while everyones here... and i know i wont at the funeral. I know alot of people have this same problem i just feel so numb to it, i don't know. I didn't cry at my Brother in law Jayson's funeral... we were close, and he was what, 25? My sisters all think i'm "cold" and "suppressing my feelings"... maybe i am? its not your problem, so why do you judge people for it? If i end up having serious emotional disabilities by the time i'm 35 then that is my problem to live with. But i guess, again, thats a cold and bitter way of looking at it. Maybe i should just figure out why i don't cry about it or poke myself in the eye or something.

Its weird watching my nana die in the room i sleep next to.. her eyes look so empty.. but i cant help but feel as though there is alot going on inside of her and in the spiritual realm that i have no grasp of. She is hallucinating constantly.. and has no idea who i am, every day she gets a little closer and further i guess.

I cant help but think this all sounds dramatic, but then again i really need to stop thinking i sound dramatic and just write. 'Cause i guess life is pretty dramatic around this time with everyone.